Page:Joe Miller's new jest book.pdf/4

 JOE MILLER.

A great crowd being gathered about a poor cobbler, why had just died in the street, a man asked Alexander Steven what he had seen? Only a cobbler's end, replied he.

A tall minister said scoffingly to a short one, when in the pulpit, you look like a collar of brawn in a dish. And, you replied the other, like a pestle in a mortar.

A man being asked by his neighbour, how his sick did? made this answer: indeed, neighbour, the case is pitiful; my wife fears she shall die, and I fear she will not, which makes a most disconsolate house.

A thief, having stolen a cup out of a tavern, was pursuedand a great mob was raised around him. A bystander was asked, what was the matter? Nothing. A poor fellow only taken a cup too much.

Three gentlemen ordering a supper at a tavern, one of them wished for a partridge; a brace were brought, and he had ordered them was requested to divide them; which accordingly did, by taking one to his own plate, and leaving the other for his friends. Stop, cried one of them, this is unequal division ! Not so, replied he, there is one for you too and one for me too.

A runaway couple were married at Gretna Green. Smith demanded five guineas for his services. How is this said the bridegroom, the gentleman you last married assured me he only gave you a guinea. True, said the Smith, but he was an Irishman. I have married him six times. He is customer. You I may never see again.

Do not send for Dr. S- -, said Captain O'Neal; do send for Dr. S- for he once attended a young office our regiment, and, upon my conscience, he stuffed the p lad so unmercifully with potions and draughts, that he cotinued sick a fortnight after he was quite well.

King Charles II. on a certain time paying a visit to Busby, the doctor is said to have strutted through his with his hat upon his head, while his majesty walked com plaisantly behind him, with his hat under his arm ; when he was taking his leave at the door, the doctor,  great humility, thus addressed the king : I hope your majesty will excuse my want of respect hitherto; but if my boys  to imagine there was a greater man in the kingdom than myself. I should never be able to rule them.

A conversation happening to turn upon the relucta shown by many to tell their age, pray, sir, said a lady friend, if I am asked how old I am, what answer shou make? Madam, when you are asked that question, ans" that you are not yet come to the years of discretion