Page:Joe Miller's new jest book.pdf/12

 JOE MILLER.

The following is a correct report of an address delivered by the manager of a small theatre in Ireland, where Mr. Tee was engaged to perform. There were only three persons in the house:-Ladies and Gentlemen, as there is nobody here, I'll dismiss you all; the performances of this night will be repeated again to-morrow evening.

A gentleman was introduced to a lady, who was a great tattler, as a man of learning. The lady talked incessantly, and was unconscious that no answer was given her. On praising the talents of the gentleman next day, she was told that this learned person was deaf and dumb, and the introduction a trick.

A young fellow, not quite so wise as Solomon, eating some Cheshire cheese full of mites, one night at the tavern: now, said he, have I done as much as Sampson, for I have slain my thousands and my ten thousands. Yes, answered one of the company, and with the same weapon too, the jaw-bone of an ass.

A Londoner told his friend he was going to Margate for a change of hair. You had better, said the other, go to the wig-maker's.

A respectable surgeon in London, making his daily round to see his patients, had occasion to call at a house in Charing-cross, where he left his horse to the care of a Jew boy, whom he casually saw in the streets. On coming out of the house, he naturally enough expected to find his trusty servant treating himself to a ride; but no-Mordecai knew the use of time and value of money a little better ;-he was letting the horse to little boys in the street, a penny a ride to the Horse-guards and back!

A gentleman being at an inn, and seeing the ostler expert about the horses, asked him what countryman he was. I'se Yorkshire, said the fellow. And how long have you lived here? Sixteen years. I wonder that in all that time so clever a fellow as you have not made enough to set up an inn yourself! Ah, sir, but maister's Yorkshire too.

A fellow walking down Holborn-Hill, on a sultry summer evening, observed an old gentleman without his hat, panting and leaning upon a post, and courteously asked him what was the matter? Sir, says the man, an impudent rascal has just snatched my hat off, and ran away with it; I have run after him until I have quite lost my breath, and cannot, if my life depended on it, go a step farther. What, not a step? says the fellow. Not a step, returned he. Why, then by Jupiter, I must have your wig; and, snatching off his fine flowing caxon, the thief was out of sight with it in a minute.