Page:Jay Little - Maybe—Tomorrow.pdf/45

 vice but already he had capitulated to his lust which was a depraved way for sex, he told himself. He wasn't so damn different. He was just like the rest … just as bad as any other fellow. But all boys did this … it came with growing up. Even men, he was told, found in this act the keenest pleasure for pent-up emotions seeking release; It was simple … so easy to do … with a girl it took time … many dates and time. With a girl you had to take your time. With some girls you didn't. He remembered his first terrifying experience … remembered where and just how it had happened. He never wanted to go through that again … never.

Gaylord had often wondered why boys carried pictures of naked men and women with them. He had a couple of them locked in his dresser but he wouldn't think of carrying them on his person or showing them to anyone. But every once in awhile he would take them out of his dresser drawer and look at them. Especially the one of a naked man about to mount a girl reclining on a divan. The man in the picture did have a handsome body. Not fat and ugly like most of the pictures he had seen. But he was always afraid his mother or father would find them. He would certainly have been ashamed … sex had never been mentioned in his family and he was glad that his father had never told him the facts of life. But he had learned … learned through the boys at school.

He walked from the shower and settled his naked body back peacefully on his bed. He felt relaxed but he was sorry he had been too weak of character to stop before it was too late. That first time he had done this had been terrifying, painful. But after the pain it did relax your mind … still afterwards he hated himself for this weakness, making promises it would never happen again. But it had continued … his resistance had been beaten again and again, unable to cope with the burning inside. Still it was better than with a girl … God, yes … that one and only time with that girl was awful … terrible …

"I wonder if Bob does," he mumbled. "Wonder if he does that more than with girls … bet he's had lot of girls … anyone he wants … they all like him … I wish he liked me."

To his disgust, Gaylord found that the morning school bell had 35