Page:Jay Little - Maybe—Tomorrow.pdf/347

 An adult emotion was being born in Gaylord for the first time. He felt the strangeness of it within him, but it meant nothing. He only knew he must not let Blake feel this way toward Glenn Rogers. He began … "I'm sorry … deeply sorry if I've hurt you, Bob … I know I've done things I'm not proud of … Things that I am ashamed of. I guess I am what you called me, but I don't want you to feel that way about Glenn … I don't think he knows about queers … queers like me … faggots, yes I know now … I'm one of those too, I guess … He's a fine boy and sex never entered his mind. If it would have … who knows what would have happened because I believe I would have been willing … even loving you I would have weakened … I think I would have … I'm not sure … but that time with Paul was the only …"

Blake cut in short. "Now isn't that just too sweet."

Gaylord's feelings of failure were intensified, not only because of the words, but because of the look that followed. Without wishing to hear more, or even caring about the results, he threw a bombshell.

"I don't care what you say or believe, Bob … I just don't any more … I'm telling you the truth. I can't change your feelings and neither can you change mine by calling me names. I can't explain what it is about me … I don't understand why I want to do such things … I don't know why I've silently loved you for so many years … You certainly never gave me any encouragement … but I did … I've thought of you so many nights … I used to lay in bed and wonder about you … wonder how I could become your friend … wonder what I would have to do to make you even notice me. I've loved you for so long."

"You love me? Shit; you've a helluva way showing it," Blake barked. "I told you I wanted to see you today."

"Why didn't you call last night? That hurt me too. I thought you were out with someone."

"I told you why."

"But I didn't know then. I wanted to call you but I was scared you wouldn't be home. I called mother from Glenn's this morning and she told me you hadn't called."

"I slept late."

"Just don't hate me, Bob …" 337