Page:Jay Little - Maybe—Tomorrow.pdf/257

 of blasphemy to make love in the presence of his thoughts. He didn't want to be that way now. He wanted something more than only a few moments. He remembered his feelings toward Paul after it was all over …

Somewhere in his mind slow black clouds appeared. A bed … a long dismal hall leading to a dark varnished door … a shiny nameplate … a voice that sounded like the one who had just spoken, said, "Never lie to me … never lie to me … I'll never lie to you … never … never … never lie." The word ‘lie' dug deep in his brain.

Well, Blake had lied. He had meant it when he had said, "the rest," but now he wanted to forget it because he was anxious for love … love for one night … one night and then what? Lies and one night stands … All through life he must endure it … even Blake was like that … he only wanted sex … he didn't love anyone.

"There's never been ‘A rest'. Never been anyone but you and Paul," he muttered thickly and turned his face toward Blake. "I didn't do anything … I swear I didn't …"

"Hell … Gay … I know you didn't … I don't know why I said that … let's forget it … Come on … we're wasting time and I can't go on like this forever …"

How could he say such a thing? And why had he been such a fool to allow himself to become so involved in Blake? But he had been involved all his life with lies and names … terrible names … He saw the sorrowful faces in the dimly lighted bar he had gone to in New Orleans. Pale faces without blood. Faces full with lines of pain, grief, and underneath the artificial laughter heartaches, was so plain to him now. He didn't want to become one of them. And he wasn't going to either. His face wasn't going to become shallow, puffy, circled … his life wasn't going to be one continuous long search … he hated anyone who was going to try and make it so.

What about Blake? He wanted exactly that … and he didn't love him … he only wanted release. Only wanted him for one thing and before long he himself would become one of those unhappy creatures; one who would cast him aside after his carnal greed was