Page:I am not alone (Andersson paper).pdf/6

6 dōjinshi by Tanaka Tarō/Jail Black, in which there is a new boy in class, Haru, who befriends a boy in that class, Ken. An excerpt from my ﬁeldnotes: "Took long time before any action. I read everything and once they started undressing and comparing their cocks I came immediately. Vague memories of me and [name retracted] … What was exciting was deﬁnitely the whole atmosphere with two new friends who discover sex together. Something you only do once in life. … I was there, was one of them, not sure who, or wait a minute: I was Haru! The new boy. Whereas Ken was the active one, and the one who was sexy! (30 September 2021)"

In another entry, I note that ‘it felt good to have shared a person’s fantasy’ (15 September 2021). This sharing of other people’s imaginations is a key aspect of dōjinshi culture that ﬁnds its most evident expression at the recurring dōjinshi conventions, where fans of shota or other genres meet and buy each other’s publications. I have been to plenty of these events, but it was not until now, when I started masturbating to the dōjinshi I had bought there, that I felt that I had been truly let in. By coming to a particular story, I have shared a fantasy with both the other readers and with the creator of that fantasy. This gave me a feeling of intimacy, and made me understand why every dōjinshi ends with an atogaki, an afterword, where the author writes a bit about the work and thanks the readers for their support, because this little greeting signalled that we were in this together. The whole structure surrounding the shared imaginations of shota and other genres creates a ‘feeling of oneness’ or ittaikan (: 224), which I would not have become part of without reading the works the way they were intended to be read: while masturbating.

So far I had deepened my understanding of what my research participants had talked to me about or I had encountered in the literature, but masturbating to shota also gave me ﬁndings that I don’t know if are unique to me or shared by my research participants, and so I will bring them up in our conversations as my research progresses. In short, these ﬁndings included:

Self-care

I experienced a sense of self-care, which I also call the ‘spa effect’, since I often felt so relaxed after these sessions that it reminded of going to a spa, or why not an onsen, a Japanese hot spring. While my previous masturbation habits had been rather routine, masturbating to shota became more of a ritual: carefully choosing a dōjinshi (what am I in the mood for today?), creating a comfortable position in the bed, dozing off a bit afterwards – it was all part of the ritual. The feeling was one of care: care of myself. This feeling was enhanced at the times when I chose a previously unopened dōjinshi: unwrapping the shiny cellophane created a crackling sound that signalled luxury and investment in myself. Other paraphernalia of the ritual, such as buying a special lamp that made reading while masturbating easier, showed that I respected myself and that masturbating to shota was something to feel proud and not ashamed of. But knowing how elaborate the process was also became a hindrance to getting started. Masturbating