Page:I am not alone (Andersson paper).pdf/5

Andersson within my own 2D world during this sexual ﬁeldwork, without resorting to my usual 3D material, which I sometimes longed for. In that sense, I felt like I was in the physical ﬁeld of another culture. I could relate to Malinowski, who during his time among the Trobrianders often felt a ‘longing for civilization’ (: 148), or for his own culture as we would say today. 3D is my culture, just like milk and muesli is my breakfast, and not ﬁsh and miso soup, which you might be served for breakfast at a traditional ryokan in Japan. I can enjoy both, but I think I will never overcome my preference – I wonder if any of us truly can. And so, it was necessary to be diligent enough to abstain from the ‘milk and muesli’ of porn during this experiment, in order to see what happened to my body on a long diet of ‘ﬁsh and miso soup’.

Brief ﬁndings

The three months of masturbation to shota comics resulted in 30 entries in my notebook. Since this essay focuses on the method as such, I will only recount the main ﬁndings brieﬂy and in regards to whether they helped me get closer to understanding the experience of my research participants.

Excerpt from my ﬁeld diary after reading a dōjinshi by Shigeru from the ‘circle’, or dōjinshi group, Shōnen Zoom: "Started reading on the toilet: Boy who is staying with relatives happens to see his same-age friend masturbate. He can’t let go of this sight … I continued in bed, arranged the pillows until I was in a comfortable position, a bit ceremonial. … The boy is now observing Tokio-kun through the window, on the veranda, while jerking off. He slips on the snow and is discovered. Tokio-kun angry, but also excited even as he keeps repeating ‘I’m not homo!’. The boy who has admitted to everything has nothing to lose, so he throws himself over Tokio-kun and starts snifﬁng his cock and licking his smooth balls, and while waiting for the shot I came! (10 September 2021)"

This masturbation session let me experience one of the core aspects of shota that some of my research participants had mentioned: its power to provide an alternative past. The story was realistic enough to make me relate it to my own growing up. I didn’t grow up in Japan and I never lived with a boy my age in the house of my relatives. But I did come to think of a male friend I had, and I do remember being alone in his room once, opening a small cupboard by his bedside, and ﬁnding a porn magazine there. Like the boy in Shigeru’s story, I felt excited when realizing that my friend (too) masturbated. My story stopped there, but Shigeru’s continued. And as I stroked myself to orgasm, Shigeru’s story mixed with my own, tweaking my past and providing me ‘a happier version’, as one of my research participants had put it. This is not to say that things like those in the dōjinshi necessarily should have happened when I grew up. But to enjoy this alternative version for half an hour in the comfort of my bed felt good.

Several of my research participants had used the word ‘nostalgia’ to describe the allure of shota. This too looks back at the past and the period of puberty that is captured by the term ‘growth’, which is a common theme in shota. A few sessions after Shigeru, I chose a