Page:I am (romance).pdf/7

 She brings a candle to me and looks at my exhausted face. Then comes to the dimply lamp and crestfallenly look at image of Maria. – I know: my mother will come to the church tomorrow too: she can’t stand our worries and wildness around.

But at the same time when I came to the bed, I shivered:

- Wildness around? But does my mother think like that? Like that can think only Versailles!

And then I, confused, assure myself, that it is lie, that I don’t have mother, that it is nothing more than a phantom.

- A phantom? – I shivered again.

No, THIS is not true. Here, in silent room, my mother not a phantom, but a part of my criminal “I”, whom I give freedom. Here, in a remote corner, on the edge of yard, I hide from the guillotine one of the ends of my soul.

Then in the animal ecstasy I close my eyes and, like a male in early spring, I’m gasping and whispering.

- Who needs to know the details of my worries? I’m a true communard. Who dares to say it another way? Can’t I rest for one minute?

Dimly lit the lamp before the image of Mary. Before the lamp, like a carving, stays my sad mother. But now I don’t think anything. The blue dream caresses my head.

2

… Ours go back: from place to place: at the front – panic, in the rear – panic. My battalion is waiting. During these two days I will find myself in this cannon roar too. My battalion is select: it is young fanatics of commune.

But now they don’t need me here. I know, what is the rear, when enemies are near the walls of your town. These dirty rumors spread every single day and, like a snakes, crawl in the streets. These rumors spread even in the garrison’s mouths.

Someone is reported to me:

- Comes hidden complaining.

- Could incite a riot.

Yes! Yes! I know: he could incite a riot, and my faithful agents are hiding in the corners, and almost nowhere put this guilty and almost innocent home waste.

…Cannonade become closer and closer. More often come runners from the front. Dust collects and hangs above the town, covering the muddy sun. Sometimes lightning rages. Drawn carts, shouted anxiously locomotives, sweep cavalryman.

Only black court-martial commune surrounds oppressive silent.

Yes:

Will be many shootings and I finally knock down!

Yes: