Page:Honest debtor, or, The virtuous man struggling with, rising superior to, and overcoming misfortune (1).pdf/12

( 12 ) ( 12 ) ſudden branded with infamy, condemned either to ceaſe to live, or to live in diſgrace, in exile, or in priſon; diſcountenanced by! his father-in-law, abandoned by his friends, no longer daring to appear abroad, and deſirous of finding ſome ſolitary and inacceſſible retreat that could conceal him from purſuit. It was in the midſt of theſe horrible reflections, that I paſſed the longeſt of nights. Ah! the remembrance of it ſtill makes me ſhudder! and neither my head nor my heart have yet recovered the ſhock I felt at this dreadful reverſe of fortune. At laſt, this long conflict having overcome my ſpirits, my exhauſted ſtrength ſunk into a calm ſtill more dreadful. I conſidered the depth of the abyſs into which I had fallen; and I began to conceive the cool reſolution of putting an end to my exiſtence.

'Let me weigh,' ſaid I, 'my laſt determination. If I ſubmit to be dragged to priſon, I muſt periſh there diſgraced, without reſource and without hope. It is doubtleſs a thouſand times better to get rid of an inſupportable life, and to throw myſelf upon the mercy of God, who will perhaps pardon me for not being able to ſurvive misfortune combined with diſhonour. My piſtols were cocked, they lay on the table, and as I fixed my eyes upon them, nothing appeared to me at this monient more ealy than to put an end to every thing. But, ah! how many villains have done the ſame! How many