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 WILL CROOKS
 * —In these days we cannot have public meetings because there is no one to abuse. [Laughter.] So we have ceased to hold them; and instead we have family parties. We are all one happy family. There's only one who doesn't understand us, and that's the Kaiser. He doesn't know much about us—but he will do. He will understand us later on. [Applause.] So in this large family we have left off talking about Sally Binks's father-in-law, and other domestic matters. [Laughter.] We have lined up front square against a common enemy. There are, unfortunately, still a few people in the world not yet certified, who think that we should be as well off under the Kaiser as under George V. We shall see, when I am done, whether you think so. I daresay there is hardly a man—certainly not a woman—in this vast family party who will not agree with me when I say that wages have gone up during the past ten or fifteen years, and you are no better off. Do you know why? Because you have to spend your money to meet the Kaiser; so he has actually got indoors with you. Ninepence out of every shilling he has done you for. [Laughter.] What a wonderful fellow he is! Didn't your blood run a little faster last Sunday week, when you read that a German submarine had sunk five British ships. There's Kultur! There's valour for you! [Laughter.] Five merchantmen gone down! Weren't you frightened? I tell you what I think. It reminds me of the village bully, who used to terrify everybody: "Bring'em out, any size, any colour, under nine or over ninety." [Loud laughter.] "Bring'em out; we're ready for 'em," says the Kaiser. There's valour for you. Wonderful and marvellous, is it not? [Laughter.]

But, you know, the Kaiser is really a wonderful man. When he was a dear little chap, five years old, he was taken to the 130