Page:Gissing - The Nether World, vol. III, 1889.djvu/59

 propensities; he began to focus his outlook upon the world, and to feel the significance of maturity. The double existence he was compelled to lead,—that of a laborious and clear-brained man of business in office hours, that of a hungry rascal in the time which was his own,—not only impressed him with a sense of danger, but made him profoundly dissatisfied with the unreality of what he called his enjoyments. What, he asked himself, had condemned him to this kind of career? Simply the weight under which he started, his poor origin, his miserable youth. However carefully regulated his private life had been, his position to-day could not have been other than it was; no degree of purity would have opened to him the door of a civilised house. Suppose he had wished to marry; where, pray, was he to find his wife? A barmaid? Why, yes, other men of his standing wedded barmaids and girls from the houses of business, and so on; but they had neither his tastes nor his brains. Never had it been his lot to exchange a word with an educated woman,—save in the office on rare occasions. There is such a thing as self-martyrdom in the cause of personal integrity;