Page:Georges Eekhoud - Escal Vigor, a novel.djvu/233

Rh "My external life, however, continued to be one perpetual constraint and dissimulation. I attained, through dint of unrighteous discipline, to a mastery of falsehood. But my upright and honourable nature never ceased to revolt against this imposture. Imagine, my dear friend, the awful antagonism between my open and expansive character and such a mask, belying and Vilifying my impulses and affinities! Ah, I may confess to thee now, that more than once, my carnal indifference to women threatened to turn into a veritable hate. And thou, Blandine mine, almost exasperated me against thy entire sex, thou, the best of women. The day, when thou thought'st to separate me from Guidon Govaertz, I felt my almost filial affection for thee changing into complete execration. Under these conditions, thou wilt understand that,—outraged often in my sentiments and isolated, practically anathematised,—I came nigh to losing my reason.

"More than once I trembled on the brink of complete aberration. Since I am taxed with monstrosity, I said to myself, since I am fallen and socially an outcast, I may as well enjoy the benefit of my ignominy. 14