Page:Free Opinions, Freely Expressed on Certain Phases of Modern Social Life and Conduct.djvu/147

 Now when the American Bounder puts this question, he ought to receive a blunt answer. Perhaps if Britishers were as rude as they are sometimes reported to be, one of them would give such an answer straight. He would say "No, I do not; but I expect you sprang from a convict root of humanity thrown out as bad rubbish from an over-populated prison and cast by chance into American soil beside an equally rank native Indian weed—and that in your present bad form and general condition, you are the expressive result of that disastrous combination." But, as a rule, even the most truculent Britisher's natural pluck is so paralysed by the American Bounder's amazing capacity for lying, that in nine cases out of ten, he merely murmurs an inarticulate negative. Whereat the Bounder at once proceeds to enlighten him—"I am the direct descendant of the Scroobys of Scrooby in Yorkshire,"—he resumes—"My name's not Scrooby—no!—but that has nothing to do with it. The families got mixed. Scrooby of Scrooby went over to Holland in 1607 and joined the Pilgrim Fathers. He was quite a boy, but Elder Brewster took care of him! He held the Bible when Brewster first fell upon his knees and thanked God. So you see I really come from Yorkshire. Real old Yorkshire ham 'cured' into an Amurrican!"

After this, there is nothing more to be said. Questions of course might be asked as to how the "Yorkshire ham" not being "Scrooby" now, ever started from "Scrooby" in the past, only it is not worth while. It never is worth while to try and certify an American Bounder's claim to