Page:Everybody's Book of English wit and humour (1880).djvu/87

 After placing his umbrella to drain, he wrote upon a piece of paper, and pinned it to the umbrella: "N.B.—This umbrella belongs to a man who strikes a two-hundred-and-fifty-pound blow. Back in five minutes."

He went upstairs, and after an absence of fifteen minutes returned, to find his umbrella gone, and in its place a note: "P.S.—Umbrella taken by a man who walks ten miles an hour. Won't be back at all."

Sidney Smith had a maid who used to boil eggs very well by her master's watch; but one day he could not lend it to her because it was under repair, so she took the time from the kitchen-clock; and the eggs came up quite raw.

"Why didn't you take the three minutes from the clock as you do from the watch, Mary?"

"Well, sir," replied Mary, "I thought that would be too much, as the hands are so much larger."

A little boy being asked what occupation his father pursued for a living, answered, with great simplicity, "He is a dreadful-accident maker, sir, for the newspapers."

The Rev. Nathan D, a worthy minister, had in his congregation a wealthy member named David, who he thought would be a suitable match for his daughter; but as David seemed rather dilatory in coming to the point, the minister thought he would give him a helping hand. Meeting David one day he casually remarked that his daughter was getting married soon. Of course David eagerly inquired who was to be the happy man. The minister told him to be at the church on Sabbath, and he would then tell him. Imagine David's surprise when the text was given out, "Nathan said unto David, thou art the man."

Swell—"Had no breakfast?"

Sweeper—"No, sir!"

Swell—"Paw beggaw! and no dinner?"

Sweeper—"No, sir!"