Page:Everybody's Book of English wit and humour (1880).djvu/85

 "None particularly, sir," said the invalid, "only everything about me tends to convince me that I am consumptive."

"Your appetite is, at all events, sir," said the doctor, and walked off.

James II., who so seldom said a good thing, one day said a very ill-bred one. He declared in the midst of his courtiers that "he had never known a modest man make his way at court." To this observation one of the gentlemen present boldly replied, "And please your majesty, whose fault is that?" The king was struck, and remained silent.

Some years ago a gentleman at Windsor took the place of the organist, with a view to show his superiority in execution. Among other pieces, he was playing one of Dr Blow's anthems; but, just as he had finished the verse part, and had begun the full chorus, the organ ceased. On this he called to Dick, the bellows blower, to know what was the matter.

"The matter?" says Dick; "I have played the anthem below."

"Ay," says the other, "but I have not played it above."

"No matter," quoth Dick, "you might have made more haste, then; I know how many puffs go to one of Dr Blow's anthems as well as you do: I have not played the organ so many years for nothing."

A Whig, of the same stamp with Tom Burnet, son of Bishop Burnet, being asked what he thought of the fireworks which celebrated the Peace of Urecht (a peace concluded by the Tory ministry much against the wishes of the opposition), "I think." said he, "they were a burning shame."

A hasty, passionate fellow was supping with a friend who never contradicted him, not wishing to provoke his wrath.

Unable to endure this acquiescence, he at last burst out. "Zounds! deny something, that I may know there are two of us.

A celebrated preacher having remarked in a sermon that every thing made by God was perfect, "What think you of me?" said