Page:Everybody's Book of English wit and humour (1880).djvu/84

 "Ah, well, then, me and my mate does!" was the gallant captain's observation, as he cut the padding in two, and deposited half on the mate's plate and half on his own.

Some people have an objection to thirteen at dinner. Dr Kitchiner, a culinary, happened to be one of a company of that number at Dr Henderson's, and, on its being remarked, and pronounced unlucky, he said, "I admit that it is unlucky in one case."

"What case is that?"

"When there is only dinner for twelve."

Two Oxford scholars, meeting on the road with a Yorkshire hostler, fell to bantering him, and told the fellow they would prove him to be a horse, or an ass.

"Well," said the hostler, "and I can prove your saddle to be a mule."

"A mule!" cried one of them, "how can that be?"

"Because," said the hostler, "it is between a horse and an ass."

"Mr," said his honour, after a particularly daring statement on the part of the lawyer, "you must apologise for that remark, or I will commit you for contempt."

The counsel rose, and, after a pause, said, "I beg the court's pardon; I now see that your honour was right, and I was wrong, as your honour generally is."

A certain barrister, who was remarkable for coming into court with dirty hands, observed that he "had been turning over the leaves of Coke."

"I should have thought it was coals you had been turning over," observed a wag.

Dr Thomson was called in to attend a gentleman who had persuaded himself that he was, to use a popular expression, "dying by inches." The doctor caught the invalid at dinner, and having seen him demolish some soup, a slice of salmon, two cuts of chine of mutton, and half a partridge, inquired what other symptoms of disease he felt.