Page:Everybody's Book of English wit and humour (1880).djvu/72

 boat with a celebrated wit of the day,—"Ay," replied Jerrold, "but not with the same skulls."

A Sunday-school teacher was giving a lesson on Ruth. She wanted to bring out the kindness of Boaz in commanding the reapers to drop large handfuls of barley.

"Now, children," she said, "Boaz did another very nice thing for Ruth; can you tell me what it was?"

"Married her!" yelled one of the boys.

The elder Matthews one day arrived at a forlorn country inn, and addressing a lugubrious waiter, enquired if he could have a chicken and asparagus. The mysterious serving-man shook his head.

"Can I have a duck, then?"

"No, sir."

"Have you any mutton chops?"

"Not one, sir."

"Then, as you have no eatables, bring me something to drink. Have you any spirits?"

"Sir," replied the man, with a profound sigh, "we are out of spirits."

"Then, in wonder's name, what have you got in the house?"

"An execution, sir!" answered the waiter.

Pithy enough was the reply of the avaricious old man, who, being asked by a nobleman of doubtful courage what pleasure he found in amassing riches which he never used, answered: "Much the same that your lordship has in wearing a sword."

A lawyer and his clerk riding on the road, the clerk desired to know what was the chief point of the law. His master said if he would promise to pay for their suppers that night he would tell him, which was agreed to.

"Why, then," said the master, "good witnesses are the chief points in law."

When he came to the inn the master bespoke a couple of fowls