Page:Everybody's Book of English wit and humour (1880).djvu/69

 A barber having come up to poll at the hustings at a Berwick election, one of the candidates, with evident marks of disappointment, asked, "What! did you not shave me this morning?"

"Yes," answered the barber, "but I have shaved Mr (meaning the opposing candidate) since."

A young but ambitious M.P. having long resolved upon attempting some speech which should astonish the House, at last rose solemnly, and, after three loud hems, spoke as follows:—

"Mr Speaker, have we laws, or have we not laws? If we have laws, and they are not observed, to what end were those laws made?"

So saying he sat down, his chest heaving high with conscious consequence; when another Member rose, and delivered his thoughts in these words:—

"Mr Speaker, did the honourable gentleman who spoke last, speak to the purpose, or not to the purpose? If he did not speak to the purpose, to what purpose did he speak?"

It is needless to describe the roar of laughter with which the House was instantly shaken, or to say that the orator never spoke again in that place.

Quin one day complaining of his old age and infirmities, in the public rooms at Bath, a pert young coxcomb asked, "What would you give to be as young as I am?"

"I do not know," said Quin, measuring him very contemptuously, "but I should be almost content to be as foolish,"

Foote being at a nobleman's house, his lordship, as soon as dinner was over, ordered a bottle of Cape to be set on the table, which, after magnifying its good qualities, and in particular its age, he sent round the table in glasses that scarcely held a thimbleful.

"Fine wine, upon my soul," says the wit, tasting, and smacking his lips.

"Is it not very curious?" says his lordship.