Page:Everybody's Book of English wit and humour (1880).djvu/60

 as the lady was a day older than himself, he used to say jestingly, that he "came into the world a day after the fair."

My Wife's Diary. Know, Punch, I am a married man! Yesterday I found a little note-book in the passage. It turned out, on inspection, to be my wife's; and to contain,—what think you?—a journal; which that woman has been keeping, I daresay, ever since our marriage. The ensuing is an extract therefrom. Punch, you are a gentleman; and, therefore, I hope you will insert it. If you were a lady, indeed, I imagine you hardly would; besides, I should wish no lady to take a leaf out of my wife's book. Here, however, sir, is one at your service:—

.—Charles out late last night; not up this morning till twelve: breakfast not over till one. Wished particularly to go to church; my new lilac bonnet with pink trimmings came home yesterday. Couldn't go, of course. The Walkers and the Hutchinses there, and all! Very angry with Charles; wouldn't talk to him at dinner: went up afterwards into the dressing-room, and there sat by myself. When I came down again, found him smoking and reading the paper. That Edwards called this evening. Knew Charles would ask him to stay to supper. Slipped out directly after tea; locked the larder, took the key of the cellar, and went to bed; hoped they were comfortable!

.—Charles very cross this morning, about last night; but coaxed him over, and made him promise me that dear shawl. Paid for week's house-keep. Mem.—to get those open-work stockings. —Charles out at half-past ten. Mrs Saunders called. How well she manages Saunders!—Mem.—not to forget her hint about the save in sugar.—Charles home again for a wonder, at four; said he had been for a walk with Bradshaw. Steaks for dinner. Charles never asked me what cut I would like; contradicted me about the horse-radish, when I knew I was right; and would eat spring onions with his cream-cheese when I told him not.

.— Charles up in his little room, writing, all the day. Went out shopping with Susan and the baby. Ordered the brown sugar instead of the lump, and put by the difference for sundries. Got the dear shawl. Met the Wellses, and heard that Mr Charles was seen yesterday at the Pantheon; what did he want there I should like to know. (Mem.—to find out.)—After dinner (shoulder of mutton), Charles reading. Baby cried. Charles wanted it sent upstairs; how very unreasonable! the poor dear was teething—