Page:Everybody's Book of English wit and humour (1880).djvu/47

 "Well," replied John, "I know millers' hogs are fat!"

"Yes, that's well, John! Now, what don't you know?"

"I don't know whose corn fats 'em!"

[: A chapel where the hymns used to be given out (and sung) line by line.]

Minister (the pulpit candles not having been lighted) log.: "My eyes are dim, I cannot see."

Congregation (singing): "My eyes are dim, I cannot see;"

Minister: "I speak of mine infirmity!"

Congregation (singing): "I speak of mine infirmity;"

Minister: ""

Congregation (singing): "I only said, 'My eyes are dim:'"

Minister: "I DID NOT MEAN TO SING A HYMN!"

Congregation (singing): "I did not mean to sing a hymn."

"Who shall decide when Doctors disagree?" Punch, who decides that neither shall have fee. [1]

A friend drops in, and walks across the smoking-room to Douglas Jerrold's chair. The friend wants to enlist Mr Jerrold's sympathies in behalf of a mutual acquaintance who is in want of a round sum of money. But this mutual friend has already sent his hat about among his literary brethren on more than one occasion. Mr 's was becoming an institution, and friends were grieved at the indelicacy of the proceeding. On the occasion to which I now refer, the bearer of the hat was received by Jerrold with evident dissatisfaction. "Well," said Douglas Jerrold, "how much does want this time?" "Why, just a four and two noughts will, I think, put him straight" the bearer of the hat replied. Jerrold: "Well, put me down for one of the noughts." [25]

Julia, my wife, has grown quite rude, She has left me in a lonesome mood; She has left my board, She has took my bed,