Page:Everybody's Book of English wit and humour (1880).djvu/43

 for a definition of matrimony. The reply was, "A place of punishment, where some folks suffer for a long time before they can go to Heaven."

—A Roman prelate once asked an old woman how many sacraments there were?—to which she observed that there were but two. "But," said the bishop, "there is marriage; what prevents you regarding so holy, delightful and happy a state as one of the sacraments?" "Ah! sir," replied the old woman, "if it is so very good, what is the reason you have never partaken of it?"

In one of Douglas Jerrold's plays, an old sailor trying to snatch a kiss from a pretty girl—as old sailors will—received a box on the ear. "There," exclaimed Blue-jacket, "like my luck; always wrecked on the coral reefs." The manager, when the play was read in the green-room, could not see the fun, and the author struck it out. [25]

A celebrated man not long since received a just rebuke. A lecturer stated that the aforesaid knew how to make a most excellent cup of coffee. A country parson wrote to him asking for the recipe. His request was granted, but at the bottom of the letter was the following manifestation of stupendous conceit:—"I hope that this is a genuine request, and not a surreptitious mode of securing my autograph."

To this the parson replied: "Accept my thanks for the recipe for making coffee. I wrote in good faith, and, in order to convince you of that fact, allow me to return what it is obvious you infinitely prize, but which is of no value to me—your autograph."

The witty Sheridan was once taken ill in consequence of a fortnight's continued dining out and dissipation. He sent for a celebrated doctor, who prescribed rigid abstinence, and calling again soon afterwards asked his patient if he was attending to that advice.

The answer being in the affirmative, "Right," said the doctor, "'tis the only way to secure you length of days."