Page:Everybody's Book of English wit and humour (1880).djvu/31

 Lecturer: "No; but I could have done so. They were small enough."

The Duke of Wellington, in a debate in the House of Commons, stated that two Irish clergymen had been murdered. A noble lord exclaimed:

"No, no; one!"

Whereupon the Duke rejoined: "If I am mistaken, I am sorry for it."

A printer observing two bailiffs pursuing an ingenious but distressed author, remarked, "that it was a new edition of 'The Pursuits of Literature,' unbound, but hot-pressed."

In the newspaper account of an inquest held on the body of a glutton, who died by devouring part of a goose, the verdict suffocation was misprinted stuffocation.

On one occasion a large and well-known firm in St Paul's churchyard sent a set of circulars to be printed, announcing a sale of goods in their various departments at an early date. One of the circulars ran thus: "On Monday, the 25th inst., we shall offer, at wonderfully low prices, the remains of a city merchant." The Printer's reader, when he sent out the proof, put this query in the margin: "Hadn't you better bury them?" [20]

Dr Byles was once arrested, and subsequently tried, convicted, and sentenced to confinement on board a guardship. This sentence was changed to confinement in his own house. A guard was placed over him. After a time the sentinel was removed, afterwards replaced, and again removed, when the doctor exclaimed that he had been guarded, regarded, and disregarded. [11]

After a consultation a lawyer and his client emerged from the office of the former. "Do you always lock your office when you go out?" asked the client.

"Yes, of course," answered the lawyer; "I don't want any rascal to get into my office before I return."

At an election for the town of Bedford, Mr Whitbread and Howard the philanthropist were opposed by Sir William Wake