Page:Everybody's Book of English wit and humour (1880).djvu/30

 capable, honest, fearless, and conscientious. He will make the very kind of officer we need. He once saved my life from drowning."

"Do you really want to see Jones elected?" said a solemn-faced old man.

"I do indeed. I'd do anything to see him elected," said the bore.

"Then never let anybody know he saved your life," counselled the solemn-faced man.

Lord Bridport, when he commanded the Channel Fleet, was called the "whiting catcher," from his being so often in port. At a dinner given by the Mayor of Plymouth, he said:

"Captain Trowbridge, I suppose you have no objection to fill a bumper to the health of our commander-in-chief?"

"Not any," replied the captain; "but hand me the claret, for I am quite tired of drinking him in port."

A schoolmaster inquired of one of his pupils on a cold day in winter what was the Latin word for "cold"?

"I can't remember it at the moment," said the boy, "but I have it at my fingers' ends."

"What if I were one of those husbands, my dear, who get up cross in the morning and bang things about, and kick like every thing, just because the coffee is cold?"

"John," responded his wife, "I would make it hot for you."

As her words admitted of more than one interpretation, John said nothing more about the coffee.

An Editor, in reply to a young writer who wished to know which magazine would give him the highest position quickest, advised, "A powder magazine, especially if you contribute a fiery article."

A new story was called "The Editor's Purse." We have seen it. There is nothing in it.

Lecturer's Wife: "Well, John, back from your lecture trip at last? Did you carry your audiences with you?"