Page:Eminent Authors of Contemporary Japan, volume 2.pdf/172

146 “Our relations might make others suspicious, but it would never bring forth any evidence. At any rate I thought, sir, that I should be aquittedacquitted [sic] on account of insufficient evidence. Whereupon, chewing the matter over secretly, I prepared in my mind the statement I would make in court, for I wished to appear as innocent as possible of the affair.

“But soon I began to wonder why I had thought I had committed a wilful murder. I began to feel a that [sic] doubt about my feelings of the previous night, and could not quite regard my action as that of homicide.

“GraduaryGradually [sic] I became filled with doubt. I became very excited—so excited that I began to lose all patience. I felt strangely happy—so exhaultedexalted [sic] that I could no more remain still. I wanted to cry out loudly.”

“Do you mean that you began to look upon your act as an accident pure and simple?”

“No, sir. Even now I cannot regard it in that light. It was because I thought that if I confessed everything openly I would not be acquitted. To be absolved of the blame meant everything to me, so I thought it would be far more effective to be honest, stating that I was not able to desidedecide [sic]. I felt it was better to do this than to declare my innocence. I decided that I would never declare it had been an accident, nor should I assert that it had been intentional. Finally I felt that I could never make any confession either way, sir.”

Fan ceased speaking. The judge was silent for a little while. Then he spoke very gently.