Page:Eminent Authors of Contemporary Japan, volume 2.pdf/168

 Then I got horribly tired, but it was not the fatigue that can be refreshed by sleep. I felt dazed, and then my strained nerves relaxed, and this feeling of murderous intention gradually faded. I felt very lonely, having the feelings of a man who had been awakened from a terrible nightmare. At the same time I regretted my lack of spirit, which I felt was weakening, even though my highly-strung nerves had almost driven me to a crime the day before.

“When I awoke that morning, I was sure that my poor wife had passed a sleepless night.”

“When you got up that morning, how did you both feel?”

“We spoke no word to one another.”

“Why didn’t you think of running away from your wife?”

“Do you mean that if I had done this the result would have saved me?”

“Yes.”

“But with me it was quite different, sir.”

After saying this, Fan stopped short, and gazed steadily at the judge. The latter said nothing, but in his eyes was an expression of mild compassion, and he nodded his head. Then Fan continued,

“But there still lay a wide gulf between such an idea and the thought of murder, sir. All that day, ever since the morning, I was unconsciously excited. Sometimes you know, fatigue of the body causes a dull excitement of the neversnerves [sic]. Later I was strolling by myself, and a feeling of great loneliness came over me,