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DIAMONDS TO SIT ON

Over the top of the table he caught sight of two bare feet, and he immediately turned to go out again. But Bender jumped up and bowed deeply from the waist. ‘ Of course this isn’t Paris,’ said Bender. ‘ But welcome—welcome, my dear sir ! ’ ‘ Paris ? ’ said Hippolyte. * I’ve not been anywhere near Paris.’ And he turned to the porter. ‘ What put that idea into your head ? ’ But Bender did not give the porter a chance to speak. ‘ Splendid ! ’ said he, squinting out at Hippolyte cunningly. ‘ Splendid ! You’ve come, no doubt, from the village to visit your late grandma ? ’ Having said this he put his arms round the porter and very gently pushed him out of the room and closed the door. When he had recovered from his surprise the porter realized that his master had come from Paris, that he, the porter, had been put out of his own room, and that he was clutching a rouble note in his left hand. He was so delighted at the sight of the money that he went to the nearest inn and ordered himself several pints of good beer. After carefully locking the door behind the porter. Bender turned to Hippolyte, who was still standing in the middle of the room, and said to him : ‘ Keep calm, my dear friend. My name is Bender. Perhaps you’ve heard of it before ? ” ‘ I have never heard of it,’ said Hippolyte rather nervously. ‘ Now I come to think of it, they probably don’t know the name of Ostap Bender in Paris. Was it warm when you left Paris ? It’s a fine town. I have a married cousin living there. Not long ago she sent me a silk handkerchief in a registered letter.’ ‘ What nonsense ! ’ said Hippolyte. ‘ What do you mean with your silk handkerchief ? I’ve not come from Paris but from- ’ ‘ Oh! well,’ said Bender, ‘ perhaps it was Morshansk ? ’