Page:Dawn of the Day.pdf/145

Rh their fullest sense, contain the evidence of a general disappointment and enlightenment respecting the delusion of His life; at the moment of His most intense agony He gained a clear insight into Himself, just as did, in the poet's narrative, the poor dying Don Quixote.) The enormous tension of the intellect, which wants master pain, puts everything, which he now looks upon, in a new light: and the unspeakable charm of all new lights is often powerful enough to withstand all allurements to suicide, and to make the continuation of life appear as most desirable to the sufferer. Scornfully he reviews the comfortable, warm dream-world, wherein the healthy man moves unthinkingly; scornfully he reviews the noblest aud dearest of the illusions in which he formerly indulged; he feels a certain delight in conjuring this contempt out of the depth of hell, and thus causing his soul the bitterest grief; it is by this equipoise that he counterbalances physical pain, he fuels that this is the very time when such counterbalancing is needed! In an awful moment of clearsightedness lie says to himself, “For once let me be my own accuser and hangman; for once let me regard my sufferings as the punishment inflicted on me by myself! Let me enjoy my superiority as a judge; nay, more—my lordly pleasure, any tyrannical arbitrariness! May I rise above my life and sufferings, and look down into the unfathomable depths!” Our pride revolts as it never did before: it finds an unparalleled charm in