Page:Complete budget of wit.pdf/23

23 One Irishman and an Englishnan falling out, the Hibernian told him if he did not hold his tongue, he would break his impenetrable head, and let the brains out of his empty scull!

Lady Wallace when a very young girl, romping with some other little misses near a mill-dam, was often very incautiously approaching the brink of the water, when Lady Maxwell, her mother, called out to her,-'For God's sake, girl, be more cautious, or you will most certainly tumble into the water and be drowned. I'll be damned if I do, mamma,' replied the punster. Oh! child (remarked her mother) that wit of your's will one day prove your ruin.' 'I'm sure, then, it won't be mother-wil,' retorted the little minx.

A gentleman who possessed a small estate in Gloucester-shire, was allured to town by the premises of the Duke of Newcastle, who for many months kept him in constant attendance, until the poor man's patience being quite exhausted, he one morning called upon his patron, and told him that he had at length got a place. The Duke very cordially shook him by the hand, and congratulated him on his good fortune. But pray, sir, (added he) where is your place 'In the Glocester Coach, (replied he) I secured it last night; and you sir, have cured me of higher ambition.'

Hently's audience at his oratory was generally composed of the lowest orders; he once attracted together an immense number of shoe-makers, by advertising, that on the following Saturday he would lay open to the public a mode, by which a pair of shoes might be made in four minutes, and demonstrate the case and certainty of new method, by perfor