Page:Complete Works of Count Tolstoy - 18.djvu/433

 Only then did I understand that it could not be mended, and I immediately concluded that it was not necessary to mend it, that it was precisely what I wanted and what I had to do. I waited until she fell down, and the nurse with a cry of 'Help!' ran up to her, and then only threw down the dagger and went out of the room.

"'I must not be agitated; I must know what I am doing,' I said to myself, without looking at her or at the nurse. The nurse was crying and calling the maid. I went through the corridor and, having sent in the maid, went back to my cabinet. 'What must I do now?' I asked myself, and immediately saw what. Upon entering the cabinet, I went directly up to the wall, took down a revolver from it, and examined it: it was loaded,—and I put it down on the table. Then I took the scabbard out from behind the divan and sat down on the divan.

"I sat thus for a long time. I thought of nothing, recalled nothing. I heard them bustling outside. I heard somebody arrive, and then again somebody. Then I heard and saw Egór come in and bring my wicker trunk into the cabinet. As though anybody wanted it!

"'Have you heard what has happened?' I asked him. 'Tell the janitor to inform the police.' He said nothing and went out. I got up, locked the door, took out the cigarettes and matches, and began to smoke.

"I had not finished one cigarette when sleep overpowered me. I must have slept about two hours. I remember I dreamt that we were on good terms, that we had had a quarrel and had made up again, that there was something in the way, but we were friends. I was awakened by a rap at the door. 'This is the police,' I thought, as I awoke. 'I think I killed her. And maybe it is she, and there has been nothing.' There was another rap at the door. I did not answer and I decided the question, 'Has it happened, or not? Yes, it has.' I re-