Page:Complete Works of Count Tolstoy - 18.djvu/342



, then I will tell you— But do you really want me to?"

I repeated that I wanted it very much. He was silent for a moment, rubbed his face with his hands, and began:

"If I am to tell it to you, I must begin from the beginning: I must tell you how I married and why, and the kind of man I was previous to my marriage.

"Before my marriage I lived like everybody else, that is, in our circle. I am a landed proprietor and a graduate of the university, and was a marshal of nobility. I lived before my marriage like the rest, that is, in debauchery, and, like all the people of our circle, I was convinced that, living in debauchery, I was living as was proper. I thought of myself that I was a nice fellow and entirely moral. I was not a seducer, had no unnatural tastes, did not make it the chief purpose of my life, as many of my contemporaries are doing, and abandoned myself to debauchery in a moderate and decent way, for health's sake. I avoided all such women as by bearing a child or by attachment for me might tie my hands. However, there may have been children and attachments, but I acted as though they did not exist. And this I not only regarded as moral, but I even was proud of it—"

He stopped, emitted his strange sound, as he always did whenever, apparently, a new thought struck him.

"Herein lies the main villainy," he exclaimed. "Debauchery is not anything physical,—no physical excess is debauchery,—debauchery, real debauchery, lies in free-