Page:Comical sayings of Paddy from Cork (6).pdf/12

12 whole kingdom, she went away and died out of spite, leaving me nothing but two motherless children.

Tom. O but Paddy, you ought to have gone to a doctor, and got some pills and physie for her.

Teag. By shaint Patrick, I had as good a pill of my own as any doctor in the kingdom could give her.

Tom. O you fool, that is not what I mean: you ought to have brought the doctor to feel her pulse, and let blood of her if he thought it needful.

Teag. Yes, that's what I did, for I ran to the docter whenever she died, and sought something for a dead or dying women; the old foolish devil was at his dinner, and began to ask me same dirty questions, which I answered distinctly.

Tom. And what did he ask Paddy ?

Teag. Why, he asked me, How did my wife go to stool? to which he answered, the same way that other people go to a chair; no, said he, that's not what I mean, how does she purge? Arra, Mr Doctor, said I, all the fire in Purgatory wont purge her clean; for she has both a cold and stinking breath. Sir, said he, that is not what I ask you; whether does she shit thick or thin? Arra, dear Doctor, said I, it is sometimes so thick and hard, that you may take it in your hand, and cut it like a piece of cheese or pudding, and at other times you may drink it, or sup it with a spoon. At this be flew into a most terrible rage, and kicked me down stairs, and would give me nothing to her, but called me a dirty vagabond for speaking of shit before ladies.

Tom. And in what good order did you bury your wife when she died?

Teag. O my dear shoy, she was buried in all manner of pomp, pride and splendour; a fine coffin with cords in it, and within the coffin along with herself, she got a pair of new brogues, a penny candle a good hard-headed old hammer, with an Irish six-penny piece, to pay her passage at the gate, and what more could she look for.