Page:Comical sayings of Paddy from Cork (1).pdf/12

 whole kingdom, she went away and died out of spite, leaving me nothing but two motherless children.

Tom. O but Paddy, you ought to have gone to a doctor and got some pills and physie for her.

Teag. By shaint Patrick I had as good a pill of my own as any doctor in the kingdom could give her.

Tom. O you fool, that is not what I mean; you ought to have brought the doctor to feel her pulse, and let blood of her if he thought needful.

Teag. Yes, that's what I did, for I ran to the doctor whenever she died, and sought something for a dead or dying woman; the old foolish devil was at his dinner, and began to ask me some dirty questions, which I answered distinctly.

Tom. And what did he ask, Paddy?

Teag. Why, he asked me how did my wife go to stool, to which I answered, the same way that other people go to a chair; no, said he, that's not what I mean, how does she purge? Arra, Mr Doctor, said, I, all the fire in Purgatory wont purge her clean; for she has both a cold and stinking breath. Sir, said he; that is not what I ask you; whether does she shit thick or thin? Arra, Mr Doctor, said, it is sometimes so thick and hard that you may take it in your hand, and cut it like a piece of cheese or pudding, and at other times you may drink it or sup it with a spoon. At this he flew into a most terrible rage, and kicked me down stairs, and would give me nothing to her, but called me a dirty vagabond for speaking of skit before ladies.

Tom. And in what good order did you bury your wife when she died?

Teag. O my dear shoy, she was buried in all manner of pomp, pride, and splendour; a fine coffin, with cords in it, and within the coffin along with herself, she got a pair of new brogues, a penny candle, a good hard-headed old hammer, with an Irish sixpenny piece, to pay her passage at the gate, and what more could she look for.