Page:Comical sayings of Paddy from Cork, with his coat buttoned behind (1).pdf/13

13 Tom. O but Paddy, you ought to have gone to a doctor, and got some pills and physic for her. Teag. By shaint Patrick, I had as good a pill of my own as any doctor in the kingdom could give her. Tom. O you fool, that is not what I mean; you ought to have brought the doctor to feel her pulse, and let blood of her if he thought it needful. Teag. Yes that's what I did, for I ran to the doctor whenever she died, and sought something for a dead or dying woman; the old foolish devil was at his dinner, and began to ask me some dirty questions, which I an- swered distinctly. Tom. And what did he ask Paddy? Teag. Why, he asked me, How did my wife go to stool ? to which I answered, the same way that other people go to a chair : no, said he, that's not what I mean, how does she purge ? Arra, Mr. Doctor, said I, all the fire in Purgatory wont purge her clean; for she has both a cold and stinking breath. Sir, said he, that is not what I ask you ; whether does she shit thick or thin? Arra, Mr. Doctor, said I, it is sometimes so thick and hard, that you may take it in your hand, and cut it like a piece of cheese, or pudding, and at other times you may drink it, or sup it with a spoon. At this he flew into a most terrible rage, and kicked me down stairs, and would give me nothing to her, but called me a dirty vagabond for speaking of shit before ladies, Tom. And in what good order did you bury your wife when she died. Teag. O my dear shoy she was buried in all manner of pomp, pride, and splendour: a fine coffin with cords in it, and within the coffin along with herself, she got a pair of new brogues, a penny candle, a good hard-headed old hammer, with an Irish sixpenny piece, to pay het passage at the gate, and what more could she look for. Tom. I really think you gave her enough along with her, but you ought to have cried for her, if it was to more but to be in the fashion.