Page:Big Sur (1963).djvu/187

RV 177 (BIG SUR177) I go down to do this Elliott is screaming “NO no no no no!” (“My God, the fishes’ bones are in that grave” I realize too)—“What’s the matter he wont let me go near that hole! why did you make it look like a grave?” I finally yell—But Billie is only smiling quietly and steadily at me, over the grave, shovel in hand, the kid weeping tugging the shovel, rushing up to block my way, trying to shove me back with his little hands—I cant understand any of it—He’s screaming as I grab the shovel as tho I’m about to bury Billie in there or something or himself maybe—“What’s the matter with this kid is he a cretin?” I yell.

With the same quiet steady smile Billie says “Oh you’re so fucking neurotic!”

I simply get mad and dump earth over the garbage and tromp it all down and say “The hell with all this madness!”

I get mad and stomp up on the porch and throw myself in the canvas chair and close my eyes—Dave Wain says he’s going down the road to investigate the canyon a bit and when he comes back the girls will have finished packing and we’ll all leave—Dave goes off, the girls clean up and sweep, the little kid is sleeping and suddenly hopelessly and completely finished I sit there in the hot sun and close my eyes: and there’s the golden swarming peace of Heaven in my eyelids—It comes with a sure hand a soft blessing as big as it is beneficent, i.e. endless—I’ve fallen asleep.

I've fallen asleep in a strange way, with my hands clasped behind my head thinking I’m just going to sit there and think, but I’m sleeping like that, and when I wake up just one short minute later I realize the two girls are both sitting behind me in absolute silence—When I’d sat down they were sweeping, but now they were squatting behind my back, facing each other, not a word—I turn and see them there—Blessed relief has come to me from just that minute—Everything has washed away—I’m perfectly normal again—Dave Wain is down the road looking at