Page:Big Sur (1963).djvu/164

RV 154 (BIG SUR154) But what’s even ineffably worse is that the more she advises me and discussed the trouble the worse and worse it gets, it’s as tho she didnt know what she was doing, like an unconscious witch, the more she tries to help the more I tremble almost too realizing she’s doing it on purpose and knows she’s witching me but it’s all gotta be formally understood as “help” dingblast it—She must be some kind of chemical counterpart to me, I just cant stand her for a minute, I’m racked with guilt because all the evidence there seems to say she’s a wonderful person sympathizing in her quiet sad musical voice with an obvious rogue nevertheless none of these rational guilts stick—All I feel is the invisible stab from her—She’s hurting me!—At some points in our conversation I’m a veritable ham actor jumping up to twitch my head, that’s the effect she has—“What’s the matter?” she asks softly—Which makes me almost scream and I’ve never screamed in my life—It’s the first time in my life I’m not confident I can hold myself together no matter what happens and be inly calm enough to even smile with condescension at the screaming hysterias of women in madwards—I’m in the same madward all of a sudden—And what’s happened? what’s caused it—“Are you driving me mad on purpose?” I finally blurt—But naturally she protests I’m talking out of my head, there’s no such evident intention anywhere, were just on a happy weekend in the country with friends, “Then there’s something wrong with ME!” I yell—“That’s obvious but why dont you try to calm down and for instance like make love to me, I’ve been begging you all day and all you do is groan and turn away as tho I was an ugly old bat’—She comes and offers herself to me softly and gently but I just stare at my quivering wrists—It’s really very awful—It’s hard to explain—Besides then the little boy is constantly coming at Billie when she kneels at my lap or sits on it or tries to soothe my hair and comfort me, he keeps saying in the same pitiful voice “Dont do it Billie dont do it Billie dont do it Billie” till finally