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RV 153 (BIG SUR153) good for you”—“I know that now, you want to be a hermit you say but you dont do it much I noticed, you’re just tired of life and wanta sleep, in a way that’s how I feel too only I’ve got Elliott to worry about I could take both our lives and solve that”—“You, creepy talk”—“You told me the first night you loved me, that I was most interesting, that you hadnt met anyone you liked so much then you just went on drinking, I really can see now what they say about you is true: and all the others like you: O I realize you’re a writer and suffer through too much but you’re really ratty sometimes but even that I know you cant help and I know you’re not really ratty but awfully broken up like you explained to me, the reasons but you’re always groaning about how sick you are, you really dont think about others enough and I KNOW you cant help it, it’s a curious disease a lot of us have anyway only better hidden sometimes but what you said the first night and even just now about me being St. Carolyn in the Sea, why dont you follow through with what your heart knows is Good and best and true, you give up so easy to discouragement then I guess too you dont really want me and just wanta go home and resume your own life maybe with Louise your girlfriend”—“No I couldnt with her either, I’m just bound up inside like constipation, I cant move emotionally like you’d say emotionally as tho that was some big grand magic mystery everybody saying ‘O how wonderful life is, how miraculous, God made this and God made that,’ how do you know he doesnt hate what He did: He might even be drunk and not noticing what He went and done tho of course that’s not true”—“Maybe God is dead”—“No, God cant be dead because He’s the unborn”—“But you have all those philosophies and sutras you were talking about”—“But dont you see they’ve all become empty words, I realize I’ve been playing like a happy child with words words words in a big serious tragedy, look around”—“You could make some effort, damn it!”