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RV 138 (BIG SUR138) his iron arms hanging helplessly like the arms of a powerful idiot in the madhouse, with the beauty of lostness pasted all over him—Who is he? in fact?—And why doesnt blonde Billie washing the homey dishes there acknowledge his love?—In fact me and Perry end up were both sitting with hanging heads when Billie comes back in the livingroom and sees us like that, like two repentant catatonics in hell—Some Negro comes in and says if I give him a few dollars he’ll get some pot but as soon as I give him five dollars he suddenly says “Well I aint gonna get nothin”—“You got five dollars, go out and get it”—“I aint sure I can get any”—I dont like him at all—I suddenly realize I can leap up and throw him on the floor and take the five dollars away from him but I dont even care about the money but I am mad about him doing that—“Who is that guy?”—I know that if I start fighting him he has a knife and we’ll wreck Billie’s livingroom too—But suddenly another Negro comes in and turns out a sweet visit talking about jazz and brotherhood and they all leave and me and Jacky are alone to wonder some more.

All the muscular gum of sex is such a bore, but Billie and I have such a fantastic sexball anyway that’s why we’re able to philosophize like that and agree and laugh together in sweet nakedness “Oh baby we’re together crazy, we could live in an old log cabin in the hills and never say anything for years, it was meant that we’d meet”—She’s saying all kinds of things as an idea begins to dawn on me: “Say I know Billie, let’s leave the City and take Elliott with us and go to Monsanto's cabin in the woods for a week or two and forget everything”—“Yes I can call up my boss right now and get a coupla weeks off, Oh Jack let’s do it”—“And it’ll be good for Elliott, get away from all these sinister friends of yours, my God”—“Perry aint sinister.”

“We'll get married and go away and have a lodge in the Adirondacks, at night by the lamp we’ll have simple suppers with Elliott”—“I’ll make love to you always”