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RV 137 (BIG SUR137) —And in fact Billie starts saying “Jack we should be married and have quiet suppers like this with Elliott, something would sanctify you forever I’m positive.”

“What have I done wrong?”—“What you’ve done wrong is withhold your love from a woman like me and from previous women and future women like me—can you imagine all the fun we’d have being married, putting Elliott to bed, going out to hear jazz or even taking planes to Paris suddenly and all the things I have to teach you and you teach me—instead all you’ve been doing is wasting life really sitting around sad wondering where to go and all the time it’s right there for you to take”—“Supposin I dont want it”—“That’s part of the picture where you say you dont want it, of course you want”—“But I dont, I’m a creepy strange guy you dont even know”—(“Cweepy? what’s cweepy? Billie? what’s cweepy?” is asking poor little Elliott)—And meanwhile Perry comes in for a minute and I pointblank say to him “I dont understand you Perry, I love you, dig you, you’re wild, but what’s all this business where you wanta kidnap little girls?” but suddenly as I’m asking that I see tears in his eyes and I realize he’s in love with Billie and has always been, wow—I even say it, “You’re in love with Billie aint ya? I’m sorry, I’m cuttin out”—“What are you talkin about man?”—It’s a big argument then about how he and Billie are just friends so I start singing Just Friends like Sinatra “Two friends but not like before” but goodhearted Perry seeing me sing runs downstairs to get another bottle for me—But nevertheless the fish are dead and the chair is broken.

Perry in fact is a tragic young man with enormous potentials who’s just let himself swing and float to hell I guess, unless something else happens to him soon, I look at him and realize that besides loving Billie secretly and truly he must also love old Cody as much as I do and all the world bettern I do yet he is the character who is always being put away behind bars for this—Rugged, covered with woe, he sits there with his black hair always over his brow, over his black eyes,