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RV 136 (BIG SUR136) I’ve been sitting in that chair by that fishbowl for a week drinking and smoking and talking and now the goldfish are dead.

“What killed them?”—“I don’t know”—“Did I kill them because I gave them some Kelloggs corn flakes?”—“Mebbe, you’re not supposed to give them anything but their fish food”—“But I thought they were hungry so I gave them a few flicks of corn flakes”—“Well I dont know what killed them”—“But why dont anybody know? what happened? why do they do this? otters and mouses and every damn thing dyin on all sides Billie, I cant stand it, it’s all my goddam fault every time!”—“Who said it was your fault dear?”—“Dear? you call me dear? why do you call me dear?”—“Ah, let me love you” (kissing me), “just because you dont deserve it”—(Chastised):-“Why dont I deserve it”—“Because you say so”— But what about the fish”—“I dont know, really”—“Is it because I’ve been sitting in that crumbling chair all week blowing smoke on their water? and all the others smoking and all the talk?”—But the little kid Elliott comes crawling up his mommy’s lap and starts asking questions: “Billie,” he calls her, “Billie, Billie, Billie,” feeling her face, I’m almost going mad from the sadness of it all—“What did you do all day?”—“I was with Ben Fagan and slept in the park Billie what are we gonna do?”—“Anytime you say like you said, well get married and fly to Mexico with Perry and Elliott”—“I’m afraid of Perry and I’m afraid of Elliott”—“He’s only a little boy”—“Billie I dont wanta get married, I’m afraid”—“Afraid?”——“I wanta go home and die with my cat.” I could be a handsome thin young president in a suit sitting in an oldfashioned rocking chair, no instead I’m just the Phantom of the Opera standing by a drape among dead fish and broken chairs—Can it be that no one cares who made me or why?—“Jack what’s the matter, what are you talking about?” but suddenly as she’s making supper and poor little Elliott is waiting there with spoon upended in fist I realize it’s just a little family home scene and I’m just a nut in the wrong place