Page:Autobiography of an Androgyne 1918 book scan.djvu/79

Rh world. As to be a monk one must be a Roman Catholic, I contemplated going over to that religious body.

One day I happened to be left alone in the room of an athletic classmate. I spent the whole time in passionately kissing his pillow and articles of clothing. Especially did corduroy braccas feel most exquisite labris as I osculated partem prope locum membri virilis. If he had not been fair to look upon and decidedly virile, it would have been nauseating even to think of doing what I did.

Afterward, repentant, I wrote in my journal: " Religion, reputation, life itself, ready to put all at stake for a few moments enjoyment! I never felt so much lke a wretch as I do now! If only I had thought more of the love of Christ to me, I might not have so far yielded! For a month nearly all my reading has been of a religious character; I have for a month been in close communion with God; yet in a moment I can so fall away! O to understand more fully salvation from sin through Christ, and to experience more of it in my own life!...I feel this morning that I can never enter the ministry. I feel that I must give up all my plans, and that maybe I shall come to a miserable end."

All my life corduroy trousers and rubber boots have attracted me sexually more than any other articles of civilian dress. I have always considered both articles too masculine for me to wear. It would have filled me with shame to be seen wearing boots. At the age of ten I would go secretly to the closet where a brother's corduroy braccas hung and do as described above. On other occasions prior to my fifteenth year I have arisen at night