Page:Anecdote book.pdf/13



Edinburgh v. Aberdeen.—A gentleman from Aberdeen was awoke one night lately in a hotel in Prince's street, Edinburgh, by an alarm of fire. Upon going to the window, he called out 'Vautchman, far eist?' The watchman thanked him, and went towards the Register Office, where he found he was going in the wrong direction, and returned. On repassing the hotel, he was again called to by the Aberdonian, who bauled out. 'Vautchman, far was't?' On looking up to him the watchman replied, 'Ye're a d-d leein scoonril: ye first tell'd me it was far east, an' Doo ye say it's far wast; but I tell ye it's neither e' tane or e'tither, 'cause its owre i' e' Coogate.'

A professor of craniology passing the other morning through a churchyard near town, while they were opening some old graves, took up several sculls, and affected to distinguish very accurately the characters of their owners. 'This, now,' said the professor, 'belonged to a philosopher.' 'Like enough, your honour,' replied the gravedigger, for I see it's a bit crocked.'

A fellow in Dublin had once committed some trilling offence, for which the judge pronounced the following sentence:—

Judge—The sentence of the Court is, that you shall be flogged from the Bank to the Quay.'

Prisoner (hastily interrupting the Judge),— Thank you, my lord, you have done your worst.' Judge.—'Not yet; and back again.'

A sailor who had been fighting and making a riot, was taken, first to a watch-house, then before a justice, who, after severely reprimanding him, ordered him to find bail. 'I have no bail,' said Jack. Then I'll commit you,' said the justice. You will!' said the sailor, 'then the Lord send you the rope that stops the wind when the ship's at anchor.' 'What do you mean by that?' said the justice: 'I insist on an explanation of that phrase. Why,' said Jack, "it's the hanging rope at the yard- arm.