Page:Ancient and modern history of Buck-haven in Fifeshire.pdf/9

Rh o' his kail, callops, and cauld fish, that nothing staid on his stomach, and a stout stomach had he, for crabheads, or scate-brose, or fat-brose on a bridal-morning; yet it fail'd him; he fell sick, and none could cure him, or tell what ail'd him, till a mountebank stage-doctor came to Kircaldy, that could judge by people's water the troubles of their person, and Willy, hearing of his fame, pissed into a bottle and sent it away with his daughter. The bottle being uncorked, his daughter spilt it by the way, and to conceal her sloth in so doing, pissed in it herself, and on she goes, comes to the stage, and cries, Sir Dochter, Sir Dochter, there is a bottle o' my father's wash, he has a sair guts, never needs to drite ony, he spues a' he eats, 'tis true I tell you, my dow. The doctor looks at it, and says, It is not your father's, surely it is your mother's. A de'ils i' the man, co' she, divna I ken my father by my mither? Then, said he, he is with child. A de'il's i' the man, co' she, for my mother bore a' de bairns before, dats no true sir, a figs ye're a great liar. Home she came, and tell'd Willy her father that the doctor said he was wi' bairn. O waes me, co' Willy, for I hae a muckle wame, and I fear it's o'er true; O plague on you, Janet, for ye're the father o't, and I'm sure to die in the bearing o't. Witty Eppie was sent for, as she was houdy, and fand a' Willy's wame, to be sure about it. Indeed, co' Eppie, ye're the first man e'er I saw wi' bairn before; and how you'll bear't I dinna ken, ye hae a wally wame, weel I wat, but how men bear bairns I never saw them yet, but I would drink sa't water and drown't in my guts, for an men get gate o' bearing weans themseils, they'll seek nae mae wives: so Willy drank sea-water till his guts was like to rive, and out he goes to ease himself among the kail, and with the terrible hurl of farting, up starts a mauken behind him, thinking she was