Page:Amazing Stories Volume 01 Number 03.djvu/92

Rh 'black horses,' the machine will write automatically 'chevaux noirs.

"Isn't that awfully complicated?"

"Yes, but not as complicated as it seems. However, this machine you see here, is only useful for commercial purposes. All my French business letters are dictated to it in English, and the French translations it makes are wonderfully good. Some day, when I have time, I shall construct a translating machine that will make really literary translations, but I cannot at present spare either the patience or the time and money required. Besides there would be little demand for such a machine. These commercial machines, however, fill a real need. Every large business house needs one. The expense is not prohibitive as business letters require only simple sentences and stock phrases that keep recurring all the time. My machine can translate business letters and simple phrases like, 'Have you the parrot of your grandmother's cousin?' That's about the highest limit of real literature that my machine will translate."

Pep laughed. "Your idea seems good," said she, "but this machine is much too complicated. Couldn't your efficiency experts simplify it a little?"

At the words "Efficiency expert" Doctor Hackensaw snorted.

"Don't talk to me of efficiency experts. Pep," said he, "unless you want to drive me crazy. I have no use for them! Understand me, I believe in organization. Organization is necessary for everything—even for a college-yell. And I highly honor the efficiency expert who organizes a business so that the article to be manufactured enters at one door, passes in turn to each of the men who have to work at it, and goes out to the delivery wagon without traveling a single unnecessary foot. I also honor the man who lowers the cost of goods without sacrificing the quality. But the efficiency expert who spends his time seeking to save one screw on a machine, or a button or a stitch on a garment is a menace to society. In making any machine, engineers allow for what is called the 'factor of safety.' They know that every machine at times will be called on to sustain undue strains or stresses, and they allow a margin of strength to meet these unusual demands. The efficiency expert, however, spends his time paring down this factor of safety, cutting out a screw here, a nail there, and producing an article that will give way at the least unusual strain, leaving the owner in the lurch at a time when the idle machine means a loss to him many thousands of times the cost of the extra screw. Such experts are the bane of my existence. Only once in my life did I ever have occasion to bless an efficiency expert."

"When was that?"

"When I was a young man, Pep, I fell in love with a pretty girl and I bought a new suit of clothes on the day when I decided to propose to her. But the tailor I bought it from was an efficiency expert who had found means of saving three stitches on every pair of trousers he made, and thus increasing his gains one-tenth of a cent on each pair. The consequence was that when I got down on my knees to propose to the idol of my heart, there was a ripping and tearing sound heard as the trousers gave way at the seams. Burning with shame and confusion I jumped up and backed out of the room in as much haste as was possible under the circumstances, and I never dared go near the young lady again."

"Well, I understand now why you don't like the efficiency experts!"

"Not at all. At the time I felt like strangling the fellow, but afterwards I would have done anything for him. The girl married another man, and I remained free all my life!"

Pep laughed, and Doctor Hackensaw continued:

"There is one field where efficiency experts could do useful work, and that is in the standardizing of the parts of different machinery. At the present day we have standard sizes of screws, nails, bolts, etc., and this standardization has proved a great blessing. It would, however, be possible to, extend it to a great many castings and other parts of machinery. Certain parts of one automobile, for example, should be capable of use on others or on aeroplanes or other machinery. Very slight changes in the patterns would often make this possible and lower the cost of production while at the same time it would facilitate repairs."

"What is that next machine you have there?" asked Pep.

"That's a simple little attachment to prevent the theft of automobiles. When you leave your car, press a hidden switch. The burglar comes, starts the auto without trouble and makes off. But as soon as the car begins to move, a sign appears at the back! 'THIS CAR IS STOLEN!'

"The sign disappears as soon as the car stops, But you will have no trouble tracing your car, for a crowd will gather, and the driver seeing how much attention he is getting will take the first opportunity to escape. Yet he won't know what caused the excitement as the sign has already vanished."

"Next to that machine you will see another, canning bread,"

"Canning bread!" echoed Pep.

"Yes; while traveling abroad, I often found it difficult to obtain nice fresh rolls, and to attempt to carry a supply was out of the question as they became stale in a few hours. Travelers in the wilderness are obliged to carry flour and bake their own bread frequently or else consent to live on hardtack and crackers. They would willingly pay the small additional cost for canned rolls or canned sandwiches. If they were put up in tins filled with nitrogen instead of ordinary air, the rolls will keep perfectly for years. If properly sterilized and sufficiently moist when packed, they will be as fresh when opened as when first sealed."

"And that very peculiar machine next to the sandwich canning machine?" asked Pep.

"That," replied Doctor Haekensaw proudly, "is one of my greatest triumphs in inventing. That is an Automatic Judge. Our courts are now all overcrowded with cases. This machine will automatically listen to the pleadings of the contending parties and give a just decision. In fact I'll guarantee the decisions of the machine to be equitable in 999 cases out of a thousand—which is a larger proportion than any judge I ever heard of can boast."

"How ridiculous!" retorted Pep, "Whoever heard of an 'automatic judge!' Why such a thing is im-