Page:All the Year Round - Series 2 - Volume 1.djvu/202

192 croaking," he said, impatiently. Pon my word, I don't understand. Come away with me to the other table."

"Indeed I will not," said Constance. "You can do so if you like, and Kate also; but we shall go on winning together."

The next time she lost. "Go on winning" repeated she.

"Don't be alarmed," I said; "we shall just lie by a little until it goes into shape again."

So we did, and the next time we did win. It was certainly wonderful. At the end of twenty minutes she had fifteen double florins in her small hand—those fine handsome pieces, which it is a satisfaction to feel. Mr. D'Eyncourt "was out" a good many napoleons, and the other girl's disconsolate face showed how mortified and disappointed she was. They are to go away home in a few days later, and I am never likely to meet them again; but I have no doubt the first shades of jealousy and coldness that have ever darkened their young lives have been caused by this fatal night. As for Mr. D'Eyncourt, he cannot be a gentleman, and if he gives me any more of his remarks I shall speak quite plainly to him.

Midnight.—What have I done! There, I have entered my room, and there on the table have I—O humiliation that I should write it!—poured down twenty of those heavy silver pieces! I am bewildered—they seem to dazzle me. Again what have I done? Where are my resolutions? O shame! shame! All my boastings, my pride, my contempt for this wickedness; and then to have given way like the rest: after the prayer that I had said so devoutly! I tremble as I look at those pieces, and feel a sort of flutter at my heart—I ought to detest, and yet they seem to invite. O what weak, miserable, helpless creatures the best of us are! How we swagger and boast, and how little there is in us! They seem—if it be not profane to say so—like the thirty pieces—

I have been walking up and down, scarcely able to compose myself to go to bed. There they lie—so heavy, so solid, so musical in their tone. "" and a great head on the obverse; one a "," another a "." And yet, after all, it was no such great fall; for I saw round me the gentle, the good, the innocent, the smiling; and as for the mere putting down a florin, there is no absolute crime. Where I was culpable was in the weakness, the abandonment of what I had proposed so solemnly. And it has not turned out ill, so there is no harm done.

When I look back and analyse my state of mind, then, I can extenuate a good deal. The crowd round me, their eagerness, their success in winning, the enjoyment, the excitement, the absence of care, the enjoying faces looking into their hands, the close of a pleasant day, the general air of festivity—all this seemed to draw me in, to absorb me, to impart a sudden thrill. All seemed to say, "Come and join us, be one of us; you are losing the chance of money."

For a time I forget everything, resolutions and all; and if I had only gone on—— Now, on the other hand, there is such a thing as making too serious an affair of what has not sufficient importance. As I say, there has been no harm done. This money I shall just seal up, and send in to Mr. B., the clergyman, for the new English chapel—or for the poor, I am not certain which. I ought in all propriety to contribute to the church, and must have done so in any case: so query, would not this be a legitimate advantage to take? It would set free other money. On the whole, I rather lean to the cause of the poor. They shall profit. After all, there are people who would laugh if I accused myself of such a crime; and even my pet at home would smile, and say, "O, I should have so liked that little money!" No, no. Indeed, I do her wrong. Indeed, she would not. And therefore I think I shall not let her see these leaves. Or I shall cross out much of it. Now to go to bed more composed than I was.  

