Page:Adams - A Child of the Age.djvu/71

59 books, while I stayed alone apart in a dim place that had little to do with life and nothing with death. My old idea of greatness en bloc was childish, absurd! My new trouble about God and the world was useless, absurd! My ideas about everything were hopelessly vague! Happiness and selfishness are synonymous terms. Everybody is selfish. Good men are good, because they couldn't be happy bad. Bad men are bad because they couldn't be happy good. Men who are the most unselfish are the most selfish: the very pain that their unselfishness causes them is their pleasure. Therefore when I intend to be happy I am simply intending what everybody intends.—It was surprising how calm I grew upon this and other thoughts; how quietly assured of my uninterrupted course towards the cultured happiness that I now began to look upon as mine.

Then suddenly an incident occurred.

Some way on in February, one Saturday afternoon just after dinner, to me, sitting up in the bedroom looking through some of the De Oratore for 'third lesson,' enter Armstrong, who throws me a letter and exit. I pick it up: recognise Colonel James's handwriting: open and read it. He must request my presence in London immediately on important matters. I could apply to Dr. Craven for the necessary funds. There was a train arrived in London to-morrow about one. (The letter was addressed from a street adjoining Piccadilly. I forget its name.) He hoped I should not be later than that. He had something of the greatest importance to communicate to me. I must excuse a hasty letter, but the state of his health at present made every unusual effort very painful to him.

I at once went in to see Craven about it.

I came out from the short interview a little puzzled. He had heard from Colonel James, he said. He gave me enough money for my fare second-class to London and a few shillings over. I might start when I liked. I told him (I don't know why) that I thought I should take the early morning train, as Colonel James had mentioned it as one that would do.

As I was dressing for tea, it suddenly occurred to me