Page:A biographical dictionary of eminent Scotsmen, vol 4.djvu/67

Rh ing, lie did not seem very confident, though to the best of my remembrance, he rather judged it to be the former. Struck with so amazing a phenomenon as this, there remained hardly any life in him, so that he sank down in the armchair in which he sat, and continued, he knew not exactly how long, insensible; which was one circumstance, that made me several times take the liberty to suggest, that he might possibly be all this while asleep ; but however that were, he quickly after opened his eyes, and saw nothing more than usual.

It may easily be supposed, he was in no condition to make any observation upon the time in which he had remained in an insensible state. Nor did he, throughout all the remainder of the night, once recollect that criminal and detestable assignation, which had before engrossed all his thoughts. He rose in a tumult of passions, not to be conceived; and walked to and fro in his chamber, till he was ready to drop down, in unutterable astonishment and agony of heart; appearing to himself the vilest monster in the creation of God, who had all his lifetime been crucifying Christ afresh by his sins, and now saw, as he assuredly believed, by a miraculous vision, the horror of what he had done. With this was connected such a view, both of the majesty and goodness of God, as caused him to loath and abhor himself, and to repent as in dust and ashes. He immediately gave judgment against himself, that he was most justly worthy of eternal damnation : he was astonished, that he had not been immediately struck dead in the midst of his wickedness: and (which I think deserves particular remark,) though he assuredly believed that he should ere long be in hell, and settled it as a point with himself for several months, that the wisdom and .justice of God did almost necessarily require, that such an enormous sinner should be made an example of everlasting vengeance, and a spectacle as such both to angels and men, so that he hardly durst presume to pray for pardon; yet what he then suffered, was not so much from the fear of hell, though he concluded it would soon be his portion, as from a sense of that horrible ingratitude he had shown to the God of his life, and to that blessed Redeemer who had been in so affecting a manner set forth as crucified before him.

The mind of major Gardiner continued from this remarkable time till toward the end of October, (that is, rather more than three months, but especially the two first of them,) in as extraordinary a situation as one can well imagine. He knew nothing of the joys arising from a sense of pardon ; but, on the contrary, for the greater part of that time, and with very short intervals of hope towards the end of it, took it for granted, that he must in all probability quickly perish. Nevertheless, he had such a sense of the evil of sin, and of the goodness of the Divine Being, and of the admirable tendency of the Christian revelation, that he resolved to spend the remainder of his life, while God continued him out of hell, in as rational and as useful a manner as he could; and to continue casting himself at the foot of divine mercy, every day, and often in a day, if peradventure there might be hope of pardon, of which all that he could say was, that he did not absolutely despair. He had at that time such a sense of the degeneracy of his own heart, that he hardly durst form any determinate resolution against sin, or pretend to engage himself by any vow in the presence of God; but he was continually crying to him, that he would deliver him from the bondage of corruption. He perceived in himself a most surprising alteration with regard to the dispositions of his heart ; so that, though he felt little of the delight of religious duties, he extremely desired opportunities of being engaged in them; and those licentious pleasures which had before been his heaven, were now absolutely his aversion. And indeed, when I consider how habitual all those criminal indulgences were grown to him, and that he was now in the prime of life, and all this while in. high health too, I cannot but be astonished to reflect