No One Could Do It Like My Father

I hate to brag about my fam'ly, but I must say that My father is the greatest man that ever wore a hat. He always took things easy, in an easy sort of way, And when it came to taking things, just kindly let me say:
 * Verse 1

No one could do it like my father! Ever clever, stunning, cunning Father! Other men might do the same but when it came to make a name, no one could do it like my dad!
 * Chorus 1

At keeping servant girls, my father always was an ace! He had a certain way to keep the ladies in their place. THeir place was in the kitchen, and his place to keep them there; I don't know how he did it, but I really must declar:
 * Verse 2

No one could do it like my father! Ever clever, stunning, cunning Father! Servants liked the cops, of course, So Father joined the police force: No one could do it like my dad!
 * Chorus 2

One night, Papa went in to see that great Salome dance. You talk about attention--say! he gave her ev'ry glance. He has my mother dancing now, her brain is in a whirl, And only here last week he came home with a string of pearls.
 * Verse 3

No one could do it like my father! Ever clever, stunning, cunning Father! No he always stays at home, Mamma has learned that dance salome: No one could do it like my dad!
 * Chorus 3

My mother weighs three hundred pounds, but don't give it away, She bought a brand-new sheath gown and she wore it yesterday, My father showed his dignity when my mother showed her sock, Then just to make the two ends meet, he used a big padlock.
 * Verse 4

No one could do it like my father! Ever clever, stunning, cunning Father! Neighbor Jones and his neighbor Lee Are hunting for my father's key, And no one could do it like my dad!
 * Chorus 4

I haven't told you how my father and my mother wed, She was an old maid, he a burglar underneath the bed, She flashed a gun at Father and said "I must be your wife." My father wears a medal now for saving someone's life.
 * Verse 5

No one could do it like my father! Ever clever, stunning, cunning Father! Mother thinks a lot of Pa, But Father drinks to think of Ma, And no one could do it like my dad!
 * Chorus 5

The other night when Pa came home, he found to his surprise The iceman and my mother on the sofa making eyes. He did not get exicted--no! not one word did he say, But when the iceman's bill came due, Papa refused to pay.
 * Verse 6

No one could do it like my father! Ever clever, stunning, cunning Father! Father proved he was no slouch, He fooled them all when he sold the couch, And no one could do it like my dad!
 * Chorus 6

When Father went to school, they tell me, he was very bad, They also say he had a purpose to make Teacher mad. She'd make him stay in after school and Pa would ne'er refuse, For when it came to helping Teacher tie her dainty shoes,
 * Verse 7

No one could do it like my father! Ever clever, stunning, cunning Father! Teacher knew a thing or two, She always wore a low-cut shoe, And no one could do it like my dad!
 * Chorus 7

We lived right near a railway station not so far from here, And Father would make faces at all the passing engineers. They'd all throw coal at Father, yes they would, upon my soul, And when the winter came around we never needed coal.
 * Verse 8

No one could do it like my father! Ever clever, stunning, cunning Father! First he got coal one by one, And now he sells it by the ton, And no one could do it like my dad!
 * Chorus 8

Around election time my father never knows his name, Sometimes it's Breen, or Smith, or Green, Gihooley, or McShane, Then other time's it's Harrigan, O'Connor, or O'Dell, They ought to call him Winchester, 'cause he repeats so well.
 * Verse 9

No one could do it like my father! Ever clever, stunning, cunning Father! When you see him change his coat You know that means another vote, And no one could do it like my dad!
 * Chorus 9