Mother Goose for Grownups/The Remarkable Regimen of the Sprat Family

The Sprats were four in number, Including twins in kilts: All day Jack carted lumber, All day his wife made quilts. Thus heartlessly neglected Twelve hours in twenty-four, As might have been expected, The twins sat on the floor: And all the buttons, I should state, They chanced to find, they promptly ate. This was not meat, but still it’s true We did the same when we were two.

The wife (whose name was Julia) Maintained an ample board, But one thing was peculiar, Lean meat she quite abhorred. Here also should be stated Another fact: ’tis that Her spouse abominated The very taste of fat. This contrast curious of taste Precluded any thought of waste, For all they left of any meal No self-respecting dog would steal.

No generous table d’hôte meal, No dainties packed in tins, But only bowls of oatmeal They gave the wretched twins; And yet like princes pampered Had lived those babes accursed, Could they have fed unhampered:— I have not told the worst! Since nothing from the dining-room Was left to feed the cook and groom, It seems that these domestics cruel Were led to steal the children’s gruel!

The twins, all hopes resigning, And wounded to the core, Confined themselves to dining On buttons off the floor. No passionate resentment The docile babes displayed: Each day in calm contentment Three hearty meals they made. And daily Jack and Mrs. Sprat Ate all the lean and all the fat, And every day the groom and cook The children’s meal contrived to hook.

But when the twins grew older, As twins are apt to do, And, shoulder touching shoulder, Sat Sundays in their pew. They saw no Christian glory In parting with a dime, And in the offertory Dropped buttons every time. Said they: “What’s good enough for Sprats Is good enough for heathen brats.” (I most sincerely wish I knew     What was the heathen’s point of view.)

Of buttons in collections found. Thus on the wheels of progress go, And heathens reap what Christians sew!
 * Anecdotes abound