Mother Goose for Grownups/The Judicious Judgment of Quite Contrary Mary

Though Mary had the kind of face The rudest wind would softly blow on; Though she was full of simple grace, Sweet, amiable, and kind, and so on; I would not have you understand That she was meek. You’d be mistaken. She worked out logarithms, and Her favorite essayist was Bacon.

And, though not positive, I think She’d heard about Savonarola, Had studied Maurice Maeterlinck, And read the works of Emile Zola, And Emerson’s and some of Kant’s, And all of mine and Shopenhauer’s; But still she cultivated plants, And spent her life in tending flowers.

She had a little hedge of box, Azalias, and a bed of tansy, A double row of hollyhocks, And every different kind of pansy: And, though so innocent of look, She’d lovers by the scores and dozens, And learned, by talking with the cook, To tell her friends that they were her cousins.

The first was French, the second Greek, The third was born upon the Mersey, The fourth one came from Mozambique, The fifth one came from the Isle of Jersey. I cannot tell about the rest, But, judging from their dress and faces, They came from north, east, south, and west, But all of them from different places.

Now, such was Mary’s sense of pride, Despite their fervent protestations, Before she vowed to be a bride She set them all examinations: She asked each one to tell the date Of Washington and Cleopatra, Name Dickens’ novels, and locate The site of Yonkers and Sumatra.

But so it chanced that, from a score Of suitors resolute and haughty, One gained a mark of sixty-four, And all the rest were under forty. One swain alone the rest outclassed; Because of one audacious guess, he This strict examination passed When Mary asked the date of Creçy.

shows that when a maid Her life devotes unto a garden, When horticultural skill’s displayed Her heart she does not dare to harden. So crafty suitors, scorn the fates And you may lay this flattering balm to Your souls; if you but get your dates The chances are you’ll get the palm, too!