Mother Goose for Grownups/The Gastronomic Guile of Simple Simon

Conveniently near to where Young Simple Simon dwelt There was to be a county fair, And Simple Simon felt That to the fair he ought to go           In all his Sunday clothes, and so, Determined to behold the show, He put them on and went. (One-half his clothes was borrowed and the other half was lent.)

He heard afar the cheerful sound Of horns that people blew, Saw wooden horses swing around A circle, two and two, Beheld balloons arise, and if           He scented with a gentle sniff The smells of pies, what is the dif- Ference to me or you? (You cannot say my verse is false, because I know it’s true.)

As Simple Simon nearer came To these attractive smells, Avoiding every little game Men played with walnut shells, He felt a sudden longing rise. The sparkle in his eager eyes Betrayed the fact he yearned for pies: The eye the secret tells. (’Tis known the pie of country fairs all other pies excels.)

So when he saw upon the road, Some fifty feet away, A pieman, Simple Simon strode Toward him, shouting: “Hey! What kinds?” as lordly as a prince. The pieman said: “I’ve pumpkin, quince, Blueberry, lemon, peach, and mince” And, showing his array, He added: “Won’t you try one, sir? They’re very nice to-day.”

Now Simon’s taste was most profuse, And so, by way of start, He ate two cakes, a Charlotte Russe, Six buns, the better part Of one big gingerbread, a pair Of lady-fingers, an eclair, And ten assorted pies, and there, His hand upon his heart, He paused to choose between an apple dumpling and a tart.

Observing that upon his tray His goods were growing few, The pieman cried: “I beg to say That patrons such as you One does not meet in many a moon. Pray, won’t you try this macaroon?” But soon suspicious, changed his tune, Continuing: “What is due I beg respectfully to add’s a dollar twenty-two.”

Then Simple Simon put a curb Upon his appetite, And turning with an air superb He suddenly took flight, While o’er his shoulder this absurd And really most offensive word The trusting pieman shortly heard To soothe his bitter plight: “Perhaps I should have said before your wares are out of sight.”

is a simple one, But still of consequence. We’ve seen that Simon’s sense of fun Was almost too intense: Though blaming his deceitful guise, We with the pieman sympathize, The latter we must criticize Because he was so dense: He might have known from what he ate that Simon had no cents.